Chopsuey

Chopsuey. Mixed veggies with quail eggs, pork, or chicken or whatever is in the freezer. Just a jumble of anything and everything under the sun. Describes my emotions to the t.

I'm sad. Sad because fate is fickle and life is unfair. Sad that luck plays too big of a part in our lives and that we can't do anything about it.

Sad that we have to say goodbye to people whom we just met. It also makes me sad that I feel like I wasn't able to prove myself and correct whatever misconceptions these group of people may have formed about me, be it good or bad.

Frustrated. Frustrated that some people can't understand the concept of "live and let live". That choosing sides in an argument is never productive. Frustrated that many people still judge a book by its cover and that they still make snap judgments despite having so many precautionary tales to adhere to.

Relieved that I made it.

Happy that I got to meet this lovely group of people. Happy that I was able to share laughter and a couple of bottles of beer with them.

Grateful for the time, the knowledge, the friendship and the concern.

Most of all, I am excited to go through this path and see where it leads.

redesigning emi

So.. I've just read something interesting today. Paolo Coelho says that there are three symptoms that a person is killing his/her dreams.

The first one is never having enough time. He said that those who lose their dream tend to not have enough time to do things because they are being complacent because they are not motivated enough to fight the good fight.. to squeeze in whatever else they need to do in one day simply because in not doing so is as good as surrendering. At least that's how I interpreted it.

I realized that yes.. I am quite guilty of this. I always feel like I never have enough time to do half the things i set out to do. I am the only one preventing myself from doing things I want to do simply because I feel that there won't be enough time. Enough time to get home, enough time to finish whatever it is I'm doing, not enough time till my favorite television show starts.. so many excuses when i should have just been trying my best to do whatever i can to finish/participate on activities that further my goal and that would make me happy.

The second symptom he described is having particular certainties in life. I think it means being jaded. Like, if you've lost your sense of wonder towards life or if you believe that there is nothing in this life that could shock you anymore.. then you're in trouble. I think it also means being apathetic to the plight of other people.

I am also guilty on this account. Being a commuter and a regular at the particular industry that i have worked in for 3 years now.. I feel as if i've seen all i need to see, I know what i know - which is quite stupid since it has been drilled into me during college that one never ceases to learn new things. That every experience, every mistake is a lesson learned in reality. I started to think that all these things simply mean that I am simply not capable. I allowed myself to wallow in the belief that i will never be good enough... without even trying.. without even putting up a fight.. without looking at it as a chance to improve and redeem myself someday.

The third and last symptom is peace. I always thought that peace and contentment is a good thing - but apparently, it isn't. I guess what he means is when we are at peace with letting our dreams go, content with whatever meager success we have - then we are killing our dream.

I totally agree and I also feel that i have done this too. When i was at work or in commute.. i would always end up thinking about the view in my bedroom window. Blue skies, leaves swaying outside.. listening to the radio while i try to compose a poem or just doodle through the afternoon various lines or lying in the hammock reading a good book. I also thought to myself before that if i had all the books in the world in an isolated cabin in the forest.. that i would be the happiest person the world to live as a hermit.

But despite being among other people. Working from job to job.. commuting from one city to the next.. i am a hermit. As if i feel no real joy being in the outside world, mingling with people. I can't wait to find time for myself to just simply curl up in bed and read and read and read. A hermit trapped by my search for solace and peace. It's like stumbling into the emergency room, a huge wound bleeding but asking only for morphine then sitting in the corner waiting for life to bleed out of you. It's refusing to fight, to face the world head on that kills one's dreams, i guess.

I think I know what i want to do after reflecting on this. I'm going to start fighting the good fight. I'm gonna start taking chances - saying what i really feel, argue for what i think is right..

but honestly.. i haven't figured it out yet.. my dream. I don't know what my dream is yet. Maybe that's why i feel so lost and unmotivated. I have no dream except for keeping my family safe and healthy.

No worries though.. i'm working on it. I'm gonna find a dream and I'm going to push myself to fight the good fight.. every single day.

lost poems

here are some poems that i've made that i've recovered from my friendster inbox.

nOeMi wrote:

> fruits of endless hours of not knowing what to

occupy

> my self with.. enjoy..

>

> >EF-U<

>

> He turns to me and then he smiles

> Turning on his masculine wiles

> But all I could think about were you hilarious

stories

> And it's the weird faces that you make, when

you tell

> them, that I miss

>

> He would take my hands between his and kiss

my

> wrists

> He tells me how smooth and soft they feel and

that

> my perfume is one of a kind

> Yet an image of you, staring at my hands, like a

> starving man to a feast

> Your eyes drifting close as I touch your cheek,

is

> forever ingrained in my mind

>

> He would smell and kiss and twirl my hair when

he

> holds me close

> And he would press a kiss at the back of my

neck

> and nuzzle my nose

> But my memory conjures your fingers, gently

running

> through my hair

> Then teasingly tracing my spine, leaving sweet

little

> shivers everywhere

>

> When were together, he would wield his guitar

and

> sing to me

> His voice, the sweet melody-all in perfect

harmony

> Yet my ears fell deaf to his song and I hear your

> stupid out-of-tune voice

> The boisterous laughter amidst your painful

version

> of Kiss From a Rose

>

> I want to make new memories with him but I'm

> trapped by yours

> Wounds that you've left are healing-he's not

repulsed

> by the scars

> I know someday he'd breach my silent walls and

> rescue me

> But for now I weep for things that was, that is

and

> cannot be

>

>

> >Summer Insanity<

>

> Endless summer night sky

> A vast place for my wandering mind

> Looking for answers not meant to find

> Deciphering echoes of times left behind

>

> A million stars winking all in harmony

> Teasing men about their dreams and destiny

> "Wish upon me, tell me your heart's desires

> For I am you sole confidante in this secret hour

>

> Some shout their jubilation for the entire world to

see

> Some weep their hearts out silently

> Others blame and curse their fate at the stars

above

> While others revel in their destined love

>

> And through it all the summer night sky bears

witness

> Silent, sympathetic to our human weaknesses

> Aiding those who seek to break a pact to be

whole

> Consoling the hearts left behind, broken, by

those

> selfish souls

>

> Summer is a season of utter madness

> A time of nonsensical whispers and careless

kisses

> Time to shed one's deepest inhibitions

> Of wicked, impassioned flirtation

>

> Summer breaks hearts

> Sometimes it also mends them

> It's a time when new love starts

> While most reach their ending

>

> Hot and humid days, warm nights

> Possibilities are taking over

> Nothing seems wrong but nothing seems right

> Either way, it's up to you to drink it all in

>

> ...or stay lonely and sober

>

RESURRECTED!!

OMG!!!! I did it! I resurrected my blog.

It's been a while since i posted here, mainly cause i've forgotten my uid and pword. I was also too busy studying and then working.

But today, i suddenly feel nostalgic so i tried to see if i could remember my logins for this blog which was my work in progress in copying and pasting and editing html codes.

I can believe its been almost two years since i last posted here.

I got through my thesis defense, i graduated.

I worked in a callcenter and then resigned.

..that can't be right, i was able to sum up 2 years of my life in two sentences.. pathetic.

downloading songs.. going to games..

waaaaaaaaaahhhhh.. its thesis week.. and what the hell am i doing? NOTHING that's what! Just finished volleyball practice and im feeling great.. wala lang.. i like playing volleyball, it releases a lot of stress..

I am officially kissing dating goodbye

I'm a Christian and i'm through not doing anything about it. I feel like a fraud because God does so much for me and yet, i question myself, what do i do for him? I've read purpose driven life and i am amazed how God is so insightful, how omnipotent he is, cuz he found the one thing that could reach through my barriers.. books.

Since i've read ppdl.. i find myself wanting to read other christian books..

one time, Rica gave me a brochure of christian books-and a title jumped out at me. It was boy meets girl by Joshua Harris. During those times, i was praying to God, asking him to "please, please, let me experience love" nyahaha.. how corny is that?!! but the truth is, I really did feel lonely. Before i go to sleep at night, i ask myself, what good did i do to a person today? I know i sound hypocritical, but its true, i do ask myself weird questions to put me to sleep. It's my mind's way of rewinding and unloading all my thoughts. And all those answers i could find to that certain question seems to lack something. I guess, i wanted to be needed and to feel like my existance meant something to somebody out there, beyond the superficial, beyond the material things i could offer. Anyway, i've been asking God that and now, realize that he has given me an answer. When that book title jumped out at me amidst others, it was the start of God's loving reply. I looked that book up and saw that it was for couples. a friend saw me looking at it, my face must have mirrored my disappointment, cuz she told me that there was a book by that same author-a best selling book for singles entitled "I Kissed Dating Goodbye"

weird.. but this book pretty much tells me to wait.. its beginning to strengthen my resolve to wait.. nyahahha.. basta.. its really something.. im having so much fun reading it..

I encourage others to read it.. young and old alike.. Christian or not..

a day at Avilon Zoo

wahehehehe.. ansaya ng day na toh.. (gawd.. i sound like Kris Aquino.. bleah..) anyway, me and a couple of classmates and these kids we teach at MILC went to this awesome zoo at the heart of montalban rizal.. i wasn't disappointed, infact, on the contrary, i was quite surprised and exhilirated.. who would have thought that a grown girl like me could feel like a child at a candy store t a zoo??!! heheh.. it was really cool, i particularly liked the talking Mayana birds.. one meows, says panget then goodbye.. another one says hello, hah? and talaga.. it was really funny.. so funny in fact that we went back without the tour group.. frankly im surprised that Avilon Zoo is not really that known to more people.. for me it is the ultimate destination if you guys wanna have good clean fun with your family with the kids. Their animals are well maintained-unlike in manila zoo wherein the animals are malnourished. They have beautiful animals.. each and everyone in good health, very clean (that if you want, they can take it out of the cage and let you pet it, unless of course it is highly deadly..)and really human friendly.. :)) it's so vast that we nearly got lost.. o yea.. in case ur wondering, the entrance is only 188 Php.. anyway, back to my adventure(man, im so depraved that i consider visiting the zoo such a thrilling event.. huhuhuhu..) i got to pet the hawk, a huge owl and an eagle, it was soo cool and they are such magnificent creatures.... another unforgettable event for me, is the one when a couple of us went back to see the big cats.. the puma won't come out, the jaguar was sleeping-so was the cheetah and.. the huge tiger was cleaning himself by his railings... and so we took pictures of him (im not really certain but since it seems petulant and suplado, i decided to call it a he.), oohed and ahhed over him cuz he's such a magnificent cat and he growled back a little.. well, that shouild have warned us but it didn't, he suddenly stood up and roared up at us, frightening us a bit but eventually making us laugh.. anyway, he's really glorious.. i wish i could post the pix to show you just how much, but i can't cuz i don't have much time.. newei..

ciao.. hoping u had a great day just like i did..

the only permanent thing in this world is change

what can i say? its been a while since i updated my blog. i must admit, i still have apparent fondness for this blog which i have painstakingly put together during those endless, sleepless summernights.

as i have said in the title.. change is the only thing permanent in this world.. and one of the major change in my world recently is having to move from qc to the province of Bulacan. Though i still study in PLM, its still a major change for me. I'm still a city gurl through and through-make no mistake about that. I must admit though that coming home to the province is much more relaxing than having a home in the city.

newei.. since we and my family moved, my net connection is severed and here i am renting a pc.. hahhhyy.. :((

ciao..

back to school once more..

hahhyy.. enrollment n s monday.. back to the harrying days of trying to do everything in an hour or so while the professor is watching.. *sigh* i wish i hadn't agreed to become a society officer. i can't even sleep at night without worrying about stuff. can't even go through my sembreak without regretting or worrying about things concerning the society. next year, if i ever have the urge to hold an office.. will someone immediately hit me with a rock as soon as possible. sure i could take care of a few people but not a whole department definitely. anyway, if any of my classmates is reading this, please don't forget huh..

I'm busy throwing hints that he keeps missing
Don't have to think about it
I Wanna kiss and
Everything around it but he's too distant
I wanna feel his body
I can't resist it

I know my hidden looks can be deceiving
But how obvious should a girl be?
I was taken by the early conversation piece
And I really like the way that he respect me

I've been waiting patiently for him to come and get it
I wonder if he knows that he can say it and I'm with it
I knew I had my mind made up from the very beginning
Catch this opportunity so you and me could feel it 'cos

If you're ready for me boy
You'd better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
You're gonna miss the freak that I control

I'm busy showing him what he's been missing
I'm kind of showing off for his full attention
My sexy ass has got him in the new dimension
I'm ready to do something to relieve this mission

After waiting patiently for him to come and get it
He came on through and asked me if I wanted to get with him
I knew I had my mind made up from the very beginning
Won't miss this opportunity so you and me could feel it 'cos

If you're ready for me boy
You'd better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
You're gonna miss the freak that I control

If you're ready for me boy
You'd better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
You're gonna miss the freak that I control

I've been dropping so many hints
You’re still not getting it
Now that you’ve heard everything I have to say
Where we gonna go from here?

After waiting patiently for him to come and get it
He came over and asked me if I wanted to get with him
I knew I had my mind made up from the very beginning
Won't miss this opportunity so you and me could feel it 'cos

If you're ready for me boy
You'd better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
You're gonna miss the freak that I control

If you're ready for me boy
You'd better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
You're gonna miss the freak that I control
(I control)

If you're ready for me boy
(For me boy)
You'd better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
(Oh, oh)
You're gonna miss the freak that I control

....mwahha.. here's mah fave song ryt now.. its soOO nice. i really love sugababes. the lyrics are so sexy. anyway, here's my second fave song..

Oh, baby dolls

I know you like me (I know you like me)
I know you do (I know you do)
Thats why whenever I come around shes all over you
And I know you want it (I know you want it)
It's easy to see (it's easy to see)
And in the back of your mind
I know you should be home with me

[Chorus]
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Dont cha, dont cha
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me
Dont cha, dont cha

Fight the feeling (fight the feeling)
Leave it alone (leave it alone)
Cause if it aint love
It just aint enough to leave a happy home
Let's keep it friendly (let's keep it friendly)
You have to play fair (you have to play fair)
See, I dont care
But I know she aint gon' wanna share

[Chorus]
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Dont cha, dont cha , baby
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me
Dont cha, dont cha

I know I'm on your mind
I know we'll have a good time
I'm your friend
I'm fun
And I'm fine
I aint lying
Look at me, you aint blind [2x]

See, I know she loves you (I know she loves you)
I understand (I understand)
I'd probably be just as crazy about you
If you were my own man
Maybe next lifetime (maybe next lifetime)
Possibly (possibly)
Until then, Oh friend your'e secret is safe with me

[Chorus]
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Dont cha, dont cha
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me
Dont cha, dont cha

... hehehe.. don't cha!!!!!!

i wonder if i've gained a few pounds after such boring and fruitless week that i spent watching tv and surfing the net then sleeping.. hehe.. i'll let my classmates bethe judge..

updating.. updating..

well, i finally have a very short sembreak.. and a very short time to update my blog. between all my school work and homestuff, i really dont have much time to look much less update my blog.. so here i am, trying to make amends..

my mom bought a house in Bulacan. I am really happy about our new neighborhood.. it seems nice.. but we wont be moving there till who knows when.. the jury is still out on that one..

i have a lot happening in my life right now but im not really in the mood for sharing.. instead, id rather post a poem ive made a couple of weeks ago.. i havent figured out a title for it yet.. o yea.. i made it myself.. i know its no dickinson but please dont copy it and post it as your own.. its not that good anyway.. please... thanks..!


I've always been a level-headed kind of girl
But when you give me that look, my insides begin to whirl
There's something about you that makes me lose my sanity
It's like suddenly being thrashed like a bouy in a particularly violent sea

As it turns out, im not as weird and as different as i thought
For females flock to you like a fire attracts hordes of moth
But boy, im not playing at their kind of game
Out to claim you for their own fame

I must warn you though, i don't fool around
I get what i want, as cocky as that may sound
I have no plans of playing in that game you must have played a couple of times before
The kind that morning leaves a girl in rumpled sheets as you're starting for the door

But i do want you...

i want you like the sahara craves rain
i want you like morphine, to take away my pain
i need your love as i need air to live
i hunger for your love that you never give

damn it.. how do i make you mine?
how much farther must i cross the line?
but then again i've already discarded my rules
havent i proven that i am the best among these fools?

So here it is, my last desperate attack
get ready to be amazed and shocked
For i will rock your world till all your walls have fallen down
And i'll emerge as your woman amidst all these clowns

----

its a bit weird, don't you think? i know its my poem but.. eeekk.. i wonder if i would really go so far to win a guy's heart? but then again, society frowns upon that so.. waahh.. i dunno..

this poem is not dedicated to any particular person, or object..

The week that was

Im still reeling in from this weeks ups and downs. I feel as though I’ve been dragged through manila a thousand times… literally! Last Friday, I was so happy that our society’s general assembly went great despite the fact that so many things tried to thwart us from our goal, it was so annoying! They know they can’t win! Hehehe..

Saturday, August 13, 2005, Aira dragged me to the 25th Manila International Book Fair. I had such a grand time. I met up with my god parents and helped my godmother pick out books for their library in AdU. Must be nice being alibrarian and getting to pick your books and the school will be paying for it. Hahhyy.. it was so nice. All the sales people were treating my ninang as if she was royalty although she was dressed quite simply. I felt like a kid in a candy store that could only get free tastes and can’t afford to buy some.. it was sheer torture!!! Anyway, I stayed with them till nine in the evening. At first my mom was furious but when she found out that I was with my godparents she was quite relieved. I received so many give aways.. bags, cups, calendars and a really nice poster saying I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT BOOKS. It was nice too because it also had quotations from famous people on how important and how pleasurable reading could be. We went to a book launching in one of the function rooms (hehe, there was free merienda too!). it was by the CCP (cultural Center of the Philippines)they launched Ani:31 Mga Tula ng Puso (Harvest:31 Poems of Love) it was the 31st addition to the harvest series which feature Filipino Literary works. There was a reading and it was passionate and quite graphic but the pinoy’s romantic side shines through quite clearly. Most of the poems were in the vernacular. There was pangasinense, ilocano, cebuano.. and so much more. It was quite a read. Then they launched a documentary on the late Pacita Abad. She was quite the painter. It was titled “groovy” which perfectly describes her art. It was colorful, vibrant and so full of life! After that we went to a reflexology class. It was very informative too! I was exhausted but what the heck; I totally dug my day at the fair.

Monday was such a shock for me. Two of my fellow org officers.. or maybe three.. had a falling out, and im in the middle of it. They’re patching it up nanaman.. well, I hope so, for the org’s sake. I reported about Medieval Inquisition in our Social and Political Theories and Movements class. It went great! I loved talking about Joan of Arc and how she was burned at the stake for heresy when the king had no more use for her in the war. But the results of the quiz I gave was quite disappointing. It was about European Feudalism only a few of my classmates passed despite our very lively discussion.

Tuesday, I brought my CCP calendar of events to school and my May back ish of Cosmo w/c I also bought at the fair. I browsed through it and found something that caught my interest. It was a play entitled “Ang Pokpok ng Ohio” (the whore from Ohio). Me and a couple of friends decided to save up money to watch the play by October. Our dicussion then turned to documentaries and my classmate told me that the I-witness docufest will be held at SM manila the following day. I was so psyched!

Wednesday was interesting enough. I answered every question thrown at me in the Hermes quiz correctly, world geography test was cancelled, so I literally couldn’t wait to go to SM manila and watch the docufest. I was so disappointed when, as it turns out, it will be this coming Saturday.

Thursday, I attended our outreach group on YOF. It was very emotional for me.

Friday, mam hicarte had a long talk with me, it was also emotional and I thank her and God for giving me a chance to know a person like her. She helped me ask God to take away all my guilt feeling over my aunt’s death that I was surprised to feel that I had carried for quite while..

Saturday! Docufest here I come. First I met up with Caloy and some other officers. I gave them money from the org’s treasure chest to print the shirt. Anyway, I hurried to the theaters and sure enough, Raffy Tima’s “Basura” was there on the big screen, I was so lucky that I was given a seat although most of the people were standing up. I sat next to the I-witness crew. I wouldn’t go into detail about the docus here. But I really had a great time.

Now it’s Sunday, I have nothing to do but reflect on the past week..

of beauty

isa to sa mga pinakaseryoso at pinakamaayos kong post ever.. well, at least i hope that it would be..

they say beauty is relative.. in fact, in an episode of Joan of Arcadia, God said that everything is relative, except for him of course; if that's the case, then why do we have biases? Why do we put so much effort on how we look? Why are there still lines between good-looking people and ugly people-why are there words for them? Why are we always insecured? why can't we be happy with how we look? of what we truly are? I really don't understand.

Last tuesday, our topic in sociology is oppression and discrimination. so eventually, the topic between discrimination through looks came to light. as proud as i am of our male classmates who ALL confessed about being discriminant due to a female's physical attributes-i am appalled. i dunno why. i considered them.. i dunno.. mature enough to.. hmm.. i dunno.. basta.. i felt there was something missing.. but that cant be.. kasi LAHAT sila.. so maybe the problem is with me, maybe, i was expecting too much.. or maybe im being too self-righteous..

today, i was alone in the LSL office with an officer. He's gay and he's pretty much into making himself as feminine as possible. He's good looking in a way nice skin and eyes, okay hair.. great female singing voice too. He has boyfriendSSS, he's got friends. he can afford to regularly go to a spa or a beauty salon an yet, he's telling me that he's still not contented. He confessed that sometimes he gets so depressed in looking at the mirror that he just simply cries. i dunno if it's just exagerration on his part or whatever, but i believe that statements like that could not be uttered without any truth in it. I suddenly thought to myself "if u cry by just looking at the mirror, then maybe i should just slit my wrist whenever i see myself reflected in any surface.." I mean.. hello.. where's you're self-worth? it's just the packaging.. it will eventually shrivel up and die someday but what's inside remains forever not only inside of you but eventually inside the people whose lives you've touched. Is your life so worthless that your imperfections move you to tears or even sadness? Is it so shallow that you base your being on how others percieve your physical appearance? Common! u have your boyfriends! why not start somewthing meaningful and self-satisfying (and i don't mean start having sex or some other crazy things)and maybe even intimate. My guess is that he's trying too hard to be perfect physically because he is so insecured of himself... but i didn't say anything.. all i said was.. "yea.. ganyan talaga.. we all have days like that.." im pretty much a crappy friend aren't I?

back to beauty; they say that it's what's inside that counts, how can anybody show what's inside when nobody gives them a shot because they are too dull. i think society has been hiding behind this saying...

hmm.. i am human.. and i do need sleep. im gonna be continuing this by tommorow afternoon..

o yea.. here's me.. warts, pimples and all.. well, pimples anyway.. i don't have warts yet..



...

haapppeeee!!!

Its such a wonderful day today. Natapos na yung mga dapat kong tapusin na report. and i believe that my teaching is up to par kanina. im so happy na wala na meng report, till next week anyway-oh well, that gives me enough time to make my visuals. blue and orange yung theme ng visuals ko.. ansakit sa mata pero.. cute! wala nanaman kaming klase sa ed.eval. mam ramos talaga eh.. but what the heck am i complaining for.. saya nga eh.. Feudalism ang topic ko for monday. I love it-sobra.. makes me think of dashing barons, handsome knights in shining armor and me as the beautiful damsel in distress. mwahahahahhahahha!!! kausap ko nanaman si insan Ren. kulit talaga.. anyway, i miss her ate renalyn.. saya ng buhay nya, sa gapo kasi sya ngaun.. libre load from tita kea di na napagod sa kakataext sakin.

nakakalungkot lang kasi di ako nakapag don bosco ngaun.. and another REALLy sad news.. Patay na si Roco-i've always liked him kasi he fought for the rights of women and youth. he's one of those politicians who i looked up to, and now, he's gone-just when the country needs a decent politician. nakaktuwa.. daming online ngaun.. :)

same shit different day

i've been trying to get away from my responsibilities for 4 days now. I've become such a useless creature.. lurking in the sofa, rummaging through my pocketbook collection.. not having any appetite.. in short.. im a mess.

although of course, when you see me at school, you pretty much won't notice it. anyway.. enough about that. its time for me to regal you of my boob-tube finds.

last saturday and last night.. i was glued to the Lifestyle Channel. I'm no martha stewart wanne be or am i dreaming to be the next tyra banks or naomi campbell. i just found something really interesting in this channel that i usually by pass unless there is an E! entertainment special or revealed. NO! IM NOT TORTURING MYSELF W/Jaques Torres' chocolate recipes and tantalizing desert ideas... I was watching a german movie titled "ANTONIA" whew.. was it complicated or what! God, it was such a wonderful movie. I wonder if Edsel would be so nice as to review it. Anyway, it's about Antonia, she is a law student who was also a part-time paparazzi. she happened to snap a picture of the Count Leonhart Ahrendorrf with a woman. Also included in the picture was an unknown man. Anyway, Leonhartd pursue her until he got the film. It was quite a long movie-more or less four hours that was why it was cut in two parts. Anyway, i wasn't bored by it. there was so many twists and turns in the plot that there was not one single unimportant scene. Basically, it was a drama, mixed with suspense and action. There was also a bit of comedy involved but all the same it was very touching...

i wonder if i could find a pirated DVD of it in Quiapo. It would be soO worth it even if I bought the original. anyway.. did i mention that the woman who portrayed antonia had likeness to sandra bullock's jaw line and face shape? while her smile resembles Julia Roberts' and her body type is like... like... man.. i can't think of any hollywood type as voluptous as this woman. She's so sexy! She's like queen latifah, minus about a couple of pounds but the boobs are the same size. she's really hot. and the men.. aw my gawd.. Leonhardt has really pretty deep blue eyes while moritz has light green eyes. The casting director did a great job and the actors/actresses are really very talented.

suddenly im so open to foreign languaged films. i wanna see "hable con ella"...

anyway.. antonia is such an intense movie. i wouldn't mind seeing it again.

back to the real world. PGMA will be presenting her SONA in a matter of hours a couple of meters from where i live... arrgghh.. what is happening to my country??!!!!!

Im free writing cuz I think I did something really wrong and I am feeling very guilty about it.

It’s eleven oclock, and im still awake.. writing this cuz I think I wont be able to sleep tonight. Why do I feel guilty when I shouldn’t be? All I did was tell a fact. Maybe I am feeling guilty cuz I think I might’ve made it seem worse than it sounds? I dunno. I’m so confused, sorry, humiliated, aggravated.. arrgghh whatever! So this was why warning bells were ringing in my head. But I did heed the warning, I did think a million times before I said anything.. I thought about it a number of times before I blurt it out? Then why am I suddenly feeling as if I’ve made a wrong decision? Why do I feel like I’ve made someone feel that things are much worse than they actually are? Why, oh why do I want to cry and just pound something till my knuckles bruise? I can’t say that I didn’t think.. cuz I did! And yet my judgment at that time told me that it was the right thing to do. It seemed logical.. yet now.. it seems very trivial. Whatever it was, tapos na sya. Also, I’m beginning to feel that I’ve made the wrong assumptions. Arrgghh!! Bat ngaun ko lang naalala tong catch phrase na to??!! ASSUME makes an ASS out of U and ME. Damn it.. pag pagod na ko dapat talaga di na ko pinag oopinyon. Di dapat ako pinagsasalita. Parang feel ko kasi talaga mali yung mga tenses na sinabi ko. Tapos na yun, wala nang kasunod. Arrgghh!! Please!!! Lemme turn back time!!!!! I hate myself. If u knew me well enough, then alam nyo na bihira ako magdrama ng ganito. Di ko alam kung anong kalalabasan ng nasabi ko ngayong gabing ito, ngunit sa mga taong masasaktan o maapektuhan, pinapangunahan ko na kayo ng sorry. Maiintindihan ko kung hindi nyo na nanaisin na makipagassociate sakin It’s no less than I deserve.

Siguro dadating ang pagkakataon na titignan ko tong post kong ito at matatawa ako sa kababawan ko.. pero ngayon.. wala eh.. nahihiya, naiiyak, naasar lang ako sa sarili ko.