Sunday, May 08, 2011

Clarity


So here I am, typing away on my laptop this stormy evening. I hear the thunder rumbling from a distance. The AC can't drown the soothing pitter patter of the rain on the roof.

Its the 8th of the 5th. In two days, I'm turning 24.

This year, aside from my family being safe and healthy, I only have one totally self-directed wish. I wish for clarity.

Clarity. Such a simple word, simple concept but I find it frustratingly difficult to come by it. I feel like everything in my life is so muddled by choices, by options, by other people's opinions, by friendships that i've built or enemies I've made.

I'm so frustrated by the fact that I honestly do not know what to do with my life. I have no inspiration, no dream, no drive.. no aspiration past having money deposited onto my ATM regularly.

I've checked all the variables that Ive used as an excuse in the past to be uninspired - and this current job that I have actually trumped them all. Commute? It's only 30-45 minutes from where I live.. time? the shift is perfect! 9am-6pm! Topic? I love fixing up computers and internet connection so thats not it! stressful customers? We have the best customers in the world. Co-workers? They are all, without exception, really decent and upstanding, kind people. Success? finished training top of the class and my stats are okay - so i'm not really frustrated with that either.

So why do I still feel restless? As if I'm a ball, trying to fit into a square hole? I feel different and I feel caged. This feeling of being in out of place just won't go away. I honestly thought for a couple of weeks there that i've found my niche. But now, I realize that I was only kidding myself because I can't face the fact that I'm scared of living in the real world. The real world where real problems can't be solved by transferring to a higher level of support. To a world where you can't ask your supervisor to slay the angry customer for you. To a world where you actually have to converse with another person about their hopes and dreams and political views - not just what needs to be fixed in their pc.

I'm not wishing for more money, not knowledge, not even peace... I just want clarity. To be able to see myself clearly and the people around me. To know my place in the world.. to find something that I can offer to the world and help people with.. something that would make feel alive, instead of just existing.

I know it's a tall order, even for my 24th birthday. I may not have clarity - I may be confused with what I want/can/will/ought to/should be/would be doing with my life right now, but if there's one thing that I don't lack - its hope. An unconditional trust in the Supreme Being that he will guide me in figuring it out soon so that he can use me to help other people.

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