Sunday, November 28, 2010

Chopsuey

Chopsuey. Mixed veggies with quail eggs, pork, or chicken or whatever is in the freezer. Just a jumble of anything and everything under the sun. Describes my emotions to the t.

I'm sad. Sad because fate is fickle and life is unfair. Sad that luck plays too big of a part in our lives and that we can't do anything about it.

Sad that we have to say goodbye to people whom we just met. It also makes me sad that I feel like I wasn't able to prove myself and correct whatever misconceptions these group of people may have formed about me, be it good or bad.

Frustrated. Frustrated that some people can't understand the concept of "live and let live". That choosing sides in an argument is never productive. Frustrated that many people still judge a book by its cover and that they still make snap judgments despite having so many precautionary tales to adhere to.

Relieved that I made it.

Happy that I got to meet this lovely group of people. Happy that I was able to share laughter and a couple of bottles of beer with them.

Grateful for the time, the knowledge, the friendship and the concern.

Most of all, I am excited to go through this path and see where it leads.

Monday, August 02, 2010

redesigning emi

So.. I've just read something interesting today. Paolo Coelho says that there are three symptoms that a person is killing his/her dreams.

The first one is never having enough time. He said that those who lose their dream tend to not have enough time to do things because they are being complacent because they are not motivated enough to fight the good fight.. to squeeze in whatever else they need to do in one day simply because in not doing so is as good as surrendering. At least that's how I interpreted it.

I realized that yes.. I am quite guilty of this. I always feel like I never have enough time to do half the things i set out to do. I am the only one preventing myself from doing things I want to do simply because I feel that there won't be enough time. Enough time to get home, enough time to finish whatever it is I'm doing, not enough time till my favorite television show starts.. so many excuses when i should have just been trying my best to do whatever i can to finish/participate on activities that further my goal and that would make me happy.

The second symptom he described is having particular certainties in life. I think it means being jaded. Like, if you've lost your sense of wonder towards life or if you believe that there is nothing in this life that could shock you anymore.. then you're in trouble. I think it also means being apathetic to the plight of other people.

I am also guilty on this account. Being a commuter and a regular at the particular industry that i have worked in for 3 years now.. I feel as if i've seen all i need to see, I know what i know - which is quite stupid since it has been drilled into me during college that one never ceases to learn new things. That every experience, every mistake is a lesson learned in reality. I started to think that all these things simply mean that I am simply not capable. I allowed myself to wallow in the belief that i will never be good enough... without even trying.. without even putting up a fight.. without looking at it as a chance to improve and redeem myself someday.

The third and last symptom is peace. I always thought that peace and contentment is a good thing - but apparently, it isn't. I guess what he means is when we are at peace with letting our dreams go, content with whatever meager success we have - then we are killing our dream.

I totally agree and I also feel that i have done this too. When i was at work or in commute.. i would always end up thinking about the view in my bedroom window. Blue skies, leaves swaying outside.. listening to the radio while i try to compose a poem or just doodle through the afternoon various lines or lying in the hammock reading a good book. I also thought to myself before that if i had all the books in the world in an isolated cabin in the forest.. that i would be the happiest person the world to live as a hermit.

But despite being among other people. Working from job to job.. commuting from one city to the next.. i am a hermit. As if i feel no real joy being in the outside world, mingling with people. I can't wait to find time for myself to just simply curl up in bed and read and read and read. A hermit trapped by my search for solace and peace. It's like stumbling into the emergency room, a huge wound bleeding but asking only for morphine then sitting in the corner waiting for life to bleed out of you. It's refusing to fight, to face the world head on that kills one's dreams, i guess.

I think I know what i want to do after reflecting on this. I'm going to start fighting the good fight. I'm gonna start taking chances - saying what i really feel, argue for what i think is right..

but honestly.. i haven't figured it out yet.. my dream. I don't know what my dream is yet. Maybe that's why i feel so lost and unmotivated. I have no dream except for keeping my family safe and healthy.

No worries though.. i'm working on it. I'm gonna find a dream and I'm going to push myself to fight the good fight.. every single day.